all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You are a genius and a whore.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
