i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
