i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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