I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
