I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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