Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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