I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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