man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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