There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
