we're making bets on your personal life
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
