i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
