remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
