Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
