I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
