I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
