He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
