I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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