You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
