the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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