Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
