Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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