I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
