our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
