Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
