I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
