What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
