Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
