I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize