Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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