Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
