the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
