so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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