what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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