My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
