I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
