Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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