My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a search helicopter?!
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize