If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
