He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
