....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
