I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
