u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
