my being single is dangerous.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
