Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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