the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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