3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
