no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
