my vag is so smooth its legendary
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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