The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So squirting runs in the family.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
