nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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