Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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