I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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