I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
