Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
