P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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