this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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