'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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