My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
