OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
