I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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